| | "Did You rise the sun for me?
Or paint a million stars that I might
Know Your majesty?"
Hillsong - Always
It seems that whenever people pray for me the words they are often given is how much God delights in me, how pleased He is with me, how happy He is with my works for Him, how joyful He wants to make me. Which is ironic because I'm always thinking the opposite: too sinful, not enough, must give more, must suffer more. It's actually not ironic because He knows these thoughts I harbor and He lures me into our secret garden where I dance for Him and He looks upon me like I were only 5 years old. When I dreamt of Him, I was so small sitting in His arms as if I was just a toddler. Tonight I saw a young girl, maybe 4, dancing and whirling around so innocently and joyfully. I felt the Lord tell me that's how He views me.
And yet I still doubt. He is so pleased with me yet I never find myself to be enough. He calls me in and still I often feel and fear rejection. He tells me who I am is enough and again I fear showing people who I truly am. I fear opening my heart to anyone because they are not God. I cannot see how anyone can come to understand and know me for who I am from the inside out and not want to leave me. The only one who could possibly do that is Jesus Christ. Yet it's a catch-22 because I guard myself and behave coldly as means to avoid getting hurt and yet I get hurt because I guard myself and behave coldly. It's a foolish cycle and game I continue to play with my life. My dad has even said to me that when I show who I am on the inside, what my emotions and true love for people are, I'm the most affectionate and sweetest person. Yet I only share that when I feel safe. In the end though, I do stand firm that my Father delights in me. Why? I have no idea because if I were not me I would probably not be able to stand myself. I cannot understand but because He loves me when I am so unlovable, I just continue to fall deeper in love with Him. I do fear, however, that I am not truly loving and obeying Him if I am not obeying His second command.
Whenever I ask God to show me how to love like He does, I am filled with a love and pain that equates loving when it hurts. Loving when being turned against. Showing love without expecting or receiving anything back. Yet I wonder how to do that. It's funny because that comes easier in the context of youth ministry. Yet outside of that I go back to my sinful hearted ways. I guess I'm not being missional. This love He reveals to me is the most difficult for me to do. Perhaps this is why He reveals it to me and perhaps this is what I am called to do. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak...
On the other hand, I also know that He will not lead me to anything to harm or shame me. I say that in the long-term sense that He could lead me to a mission field that turns into a battle field and I lose my life. But that's just my life. He will not harm my heart and so I come back to Him being the one I trust all my heart with. I have to have to have to learn how to trust my heart in His hands enough though so that when He places them in the hands of others... I don't try to bite their fingers off. Not just for my sake, because as I've been realizing recently, I'm always self-centeredly thinking it's only my heart that's being vulnerable and on the line.
I think I need to plan some sort of weekend getaway.
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| | Posted 6/30/2009 2:17 AM - 8 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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