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| thirstyMy heart trembles. In Isaiah 55 we who are thirsty are invited to His living water. We who have no money are offered to eat and drink without cost. In terms of sales and consumerism, we trade our money for a product that is of equal worth. Yet His water comes without a price because there is nothing we have that is of equal value or something we can ever afford. His gift is priceless. And the rain and the snow that falls from heaven - more portions of water - flow down with purpose to nourish and give life. They "come down from heaven" just as the Son to nourish and give life.
Ultimately, I find the more I thirst for the Lord and the more He satisfies that thirst, the thirstier I become. I'm spinning madly wondering what's next yet watching my faith grow as He brings a season of waiting. No sin or shame can keep His love out of my heart. He touched my heart last night as I was covering it with my tired, frightened, and sinful hands. He told me to let go and as I did, He touched my heart and planted what looked like a gem but what I believe to be a seed. I am told to wait. I am told to obey with faith and without hesitation. I am told of a greater wisdom.
I'm spinning madly and I cannot begin to fathom how He can be so good. His living water silences me in awe and it rains down upon my crumbling anxieties. The water flows from heaven as He brushes off my guilt and whispers above the pounding drums that... I am His. It's a waterfall so refreshing and a fountain so sweet that beckons me to reach for more because there is always a greater portion yet to be had. Priceless. About seven years ago His light shined brightly like a burning bush. He told me to go, to go in His name. My quivering voice questioned as He told me His name: I AM. I belong to the voice that belongs to the great I AM. My heart sings just being able to say the word "belong".
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| EdenI saw a vision of Jesus standing in a garden. The garden itself was captivating and breath taking and nothing like I have ever seen on this earth. My mother has a beautiful garden and landscaping in the backyard, and I've traveled through a rain forest in Puerto Rico and even splashed in its fresh waterfall. I go on nature hikes with my dad occasionally and delight in spending an afternoon at the park. Nothing could compare to what I saw and the liveliness and warmth that surrounded in this environment. It was just life. But more amazing than the flourishing green and peace emanating from this place was Jesus standing there with arms welcomed wide waiting to dance with me.
I delight in witnessing sunrises as each one reminds me the that Son rose. I delight in His gift to us to give us such language that these synonyms declare the risen King. Beautiful, just so beautiful He is!
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| trust"Did You rise the sun for me?
Or paint a million stars that I might
Know Your majesty?"
Hillsong - Always
It seems that whenever people pray for me the words they are often given is how much God delights in me, how pleased He is with me, how happy He is with my works for Him, how joyful He wants to make me. Which is ironic because I'm always thinking the opposite: too sinful, not enough, must give more, must suffer more. It's actually not ironic because He knows these thoughts I harbor and He lures me into our secret garden where I dance for Him and He looks upon me like I were only 5 years old. When I dreamt of Him, I was so small sitting in His arms as if I was just a toddler. Tonight I saw a young girl, maybe 4, dancing and whirling around so innocently and joyfully. I felt the Lord tell me that's how He views me.
And yet I still doubt. He is so pleased with me yet I never find myself to be enough. He calls me in and still I often feel and fear rejection. He tells me who I am is enough and again I fear showing people who I truly am. I fear opening my heart to anyone because they are not God. I cannot see how anyone can come to understand and know me for who I am from the inside out and not want to leave me. The only one who could possibly do that is Jesus Christ. Yet it's a catch-22 because I guard myself and behave coldly as means to avoid getting hurt and yet I get hurt because I guard myself and behave coldly. It's a foolish cycle and game I continue to play with my life. My dad has even said to me that when I show who I am on the inside, what my emotions and true love for people are, I'm the most affectionate and sweetest person. Yet I only share that when I feel safe. In the end though, I do stand firm that my Father delights in me. Why? I have no idea because if I were not me I would probably not be able to stand myself. I cannot understand but because He loves me when I am so unlovable, I just continue to fall deeper in love with Him. I do fear, however, that I am not truly loving and obeying Him if I am not obeying His second command.
Whenever I ask God to show me how to love like He does, I am filled with a love and pain that equates loving when it hurts. Loving when being turned against. Showing love without expecting or receiving anything back. Yet I wonder how to do that. It's funny because that comes easier in the context of youth ministry. Yet outside of that I go back to my sinful hearted ways. I guess I'm not being missional. This love He reveals to me is the most difficult for me to do. Perhaps this is why He reveals it to me and perhaps this is what I am called to do. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak...
On the other hand, I also know that He will not lead me to anything to harm or shame me. I say that in the long-term sense that He could lead me to a mission field that turns into a battle field and I lose my life. But that's just my life. He will not harm my heart and so I come back to Him being the one I trust all my heart with. I have to have to have to learn how to trust my heart in His hands enough though so that when He places them in the hands of others... I don't try to bite their fingers off. Not just for my sake, because as I've been realizing recently, I'm always self-centeredly thinking it's only my heart that's being vulnerable and on the line.
I think I need to plan some sort of weekend getaway.
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| When Harry Met Sally"I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."
random movie quote. :)
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| Our commands are to love, not be loved. It is not a command to demand love or expect love or to ensure that we are loved. That should be in the bag. Fulfilled. It.Is.Done. Being loved is not something we should be seeking so desperately as the media guides us to because that was completed before our own birth. Christ's love for us is more than enough. Yet He reminds us the greatest commands are to love. It's an action. Verb.
But sometimes we seek love for ourselves so much (from others) that we forget to love our own self. To action that word to ourselves. Verb. Could we say it is a sin to loathe ourselves? Mind Race: David Crowder - You Make Everything Glorious. If we are God's workmanship created to do good works... isn't the greatest work, or, the greatest command to love? That one verse says a million and ten things.
"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10
1. I am God's workmanship. 2. I was created in Jesus. 3. Created to do good works. 4. God prepared me in advance. 5. To do good works.
Well, wow wow. I'm tempted to not even continue writing this entry but turn this into my Sunday message. But no. The beauty of these words and its gentle, sweet gentle way of reminding me who I am and what I am called to do.
There are so many who not only NOT love themselves... but hate themselves. They lose the sight of their beauty as well as the value in their life. I've questioned the value of my life. I wondered countless times how life would be like for so many people if I were never born. How this would have affected my mother, my daddy, my sister, etc. I especially wonder how this would affect my mother who bore me. Was I part of the plan? Was I expected or a mistake? The words of a speaker years ago resonates in my ears as he spoke the words he was told, "You are not a mistake" and it is God who creates. To dislike or despise myself is to dislike and despise God's creation. The pain of reality and life is often distracted by other pain. We cover pain with more pain. We conceal bruises with cuts.
Sometimes when I pray for this generation and my students and youth I have encountered I feel like I am internally bleeding. The pain is almost too real and the realization of hurt is too tangible. Does my heart break more so that they're hurting themselves deeper by addictions and self-inflicted pain to mask their hurt while Jesus is standing right there? Or is it the fact that I can see Jesus standing right there watching His babies hurt themselves deeper by addictions and self-inflicted pains? Sometimes I feel like I am internally bleeding. Jesus Christ bled.
If I could have the power to gather each and everyone of these and somehow internalize to them the Savior King and the beauty of who He is and the love that He gives (not gave, but gives as He is not the God of "I Was" but the God "I Am") I would. If I could soak in their depression, their brokenness, rage then I instantly would. Take it all inside of me. I'm not saying I can handle it better nor am I undermining their hurt but I know that my foundation in Christ will help me to surrender it at His feet. I will boldly say I wish I could take their pain. I've even prayed this for my mother (unrelated) as she lay once with one of her bad headaches. I prayed and asked if God could give me her headache and let me suffer for her. Oh how I long to do this. Then comes the frustration that this is all I can do. Long for it. I want to help, I want to heal, I want to teach, I want to love, I want to soak. They say that in itself is a gift. The heart I have for it and the desire and mercy in me. But I get so frustrated at times that all I can do is stand there and weep for my Lord's beloveds. Maybe I have a heart but I don't have the words or the feet or even the necessary tools. What kind of warrior am I who sits on the sidelines weeping for her fellow soldiers in battle yet is unable to slay the dragons myself? I trust that I am just a piece of the Body and what He gives me is for His glory and according to His wisdom. Still, I want to help them. Desperately. Loud desperation.
I've been praying and praying and asking and seeking of Him what it is He sees in me, love about me, values about me. He tells me it's my heart. I told my mom I want to go out and witness God's power. She said to me, "You are God's power". Maybe. Maybe it's time that I finally tell them. Mind Race: Shaun Groves - Should I Tell Them. I have never shared my deepest testimony. I think maybe, just maybe, it's time.
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True
