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| So I'm out here at IHOP and I don't even know what to say. I am sick in the apartment missing class and the prayer room which aches me, especially since I have less than 2 more months here anyway. :( I can say that I am and have been completely transformed. Witnessing this place and watching my prayers unfold into reality, getting a glimpse of healing, opening my ears to the divine.. it's just incredible and so much. So many doors seem to be opening in various realms: from doors in my heart to love and forgive, to doors in my life to venture out into. My heart is literally overwhelmed.
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| Yes, 35 hours until my plane takes off from New Jersey and 38 hours until I land in Kansas City, Missouri (assuming no crazy flight issues like storms, air traffic, or a cargo of crickets exploding in the cabin). I'm still constantly being asked if I'm excited but as mentioned, it's still difficult to realize that I really am going. But if I allow myself to wrap my mind around that fact for a split second, I am then truly excited. So, yes, I am excited.
I've been receiving so much though in just saying my goodbyes. My mom keeps laughing that I'm acting like I'm going away for 3 years instead of 3 months with all my goodbyes. I guess it'll be hard to get used to the fact of not seeing certain faces every week or everyday. My goodbyes began last week with a dinner and h-mart trip with one of my favorite girls and best friends, Grace followed by another dinner night out with my siblings (minus Joey). Imagine how cherished I felt when Frank offered to take me out to dinner, AND PAY! He always offers to "take me out to dinner" but that really means he wants outside food, wants to be driven there, and wants to be paid for. I got to spend a day (sort of) with my dad and the boys as we played at the park, picked up pizza, and watched Dancing with the Stars. It was cozy since I then had my final Thursday prayer meeting for awhile followed by kdphi goodbye dinner (plus Cookie). AND THEN the lock-in with my beloved youth who created me the funniest and sweetest goodbye video ever. It shall be uploaded soon. Okay this whole paragraph was more for my sake when in the future I browse through old entries and then I can remember my being showered in love week.
I've also been receiving support left and right. Members from church, family/friends, and a check from Allstate to make up for an accident (which I'm pretty sure all the fees were covered so I need to call my Liberty in the morning to make sure it's okay to deposit this). I joked to my mom that I make more money taking breaks and not working than staying here and serving, heh heh.. heh.
All I can say is God is so amazing. I desire this Christian Perfection John Wesley encourages but at the same time, I fail everyday. The sin in my heart, in my mind, in my actions. I sometimes cannot even forgive myself and I wonder how this amazing Father can. Not only forgives, but uplifts. *sigh*
Totally unrelated, but just now I snuck in to check on Joey because Frank said he was positioned funny. I curled up next to him and whispered over and over, "I love you" waiting for him to respond in a half sleeping voice. As usual, he did, and as usual, his response was, "love you more..". <3
34.5 hours now! | | |
| Everyday I'm becoming more and more discontent. Almost fed up. One of the more famous quotes by Mr. C.S. Lewis himself is, "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world". We read that quote, we say, "yup, that is so me!", sigh it off, and then move on. Okay, so we were made for another world, or rather, the heavenly Kingdom. Now what? The fact of the matter is, you and I are still living in this world and our priority, our God-given mission, is to show the rest of the world that they too were made for another. Not just another world, but for another One. Made "for" and that means something to me. Yet to just whimsically sigh it off is such a cop out. A desperation has seeped into my heart and there are just a few things I cannot be content with.
Ministry is difficult, we all know that. I have more than once complained and cried it off. Too many nights I have cried it off. And when someone decides to follow their calling into ministry, they are often asked how they will be survive on such little pay. The answer is ALWAYS, "Well, God provides. I know I'll never go hungry or homeless". And honestly, most likely you won't go hungry or homeless - is that to say it is simply because you had faith and God rewarded that faith? What about the thousands of children who die each day out of hunger? Or are brothers and sisters being killed out on the mission field as we speak? God most definitely provides and I praise Him for that yet at the same time what I trust in Him to provide me with is His heart and His home and that means everything. I've really, really been getting frustrated with many laughing how they are storing their treasures in heaven since they are making so little here by serving God. Why does it even have to come down to treasures in heaven? How about:
"I serve and I have no luxury money, but undeservedly I still have a meal and fresh water everyday. Oh, well, yes my outfit is from J.Crew (or insert any retail label here) and I guess I am up to date on the current fashion trends. Not only that, but somehow I am still able to afford meaningless luxuries such as an iphone and the newest generation of ipods. I have a car and if not, more than a handful of friends who will drive me from point A to B. I have no idea what it would be like to fear falling asleep starving and in the rain with no roof over my head. Basically, I'm filthy rich in comparison to the rest of the world. Yet even in the little offering I give, I have to constantly remember that it is absolutely nothing, not worth a drop of Christ's blood which He gave an outpouring of. Treasures in heaven? Just making it into heaven is more than I could ever ask for".
Yet even when we say those words it comes with a reward of others seeing us as humble and genuine. Gosh, I remember in June sharing the word to the entire church at our annual graduation service and I ended it with my tidbit of my dream. The one I had where pastors and preachers were being recognized and praised for their messages when in reality all they were doing were saying what happened to the Man who did everything. I said that we who speak are undeserving of praise and that when we are praised, we are stealing God's glory. If the message is so great, start praising God, literally. And still I had a handful commend me afterwards on my words. "I know you don't want to hear this and you said not to say anything, but..."
Would I be lying to say that I couldn't help but internally gloat? To feel utterly awesome that not only had my words affected youth, but senior citizens and parents as well? I shamefully admit that I did. It was almost a double reward because not only was I being praised on my words, but they were also praising my humility and as I constantly look at myself and these feelings I can't help but anticipate when I finally do enter His world, His kingdom. When this battle is over between man-made pride simply serving. I said this on Sunday, but when I meet my Father face to face and He starts telling me the rewards I earned from my time here on earth equates to... washing His dishes for the rest of eternity while all else dance and sing in praise, my goodness, I'll be the most joyful dishwasher ever. Matthew 20 hits me home.
One more week until I leave for IHOP. All month I've been getting calls and emails that often begin with, "Where are you?" with many thinking I'm there already. Nope, not there yet, but one more week! I'm so thankful for those who prayed for me and for this and who have lent me guidance and insight and their experience. Everyone keeps asking if I'm "excited" and I wish I could say yes, but I'm more in disbelief. I think maybe after the first night there it'll hit me. Seriously though, more than going is my amazement in being taken into God's heart. God's desires are greater than man's needs. I say that because I couldn't help but arrogantly think and worry that I was needed too much here to go where I realized God wanted me. No one needs me here but I need Him everywhere. That line might not have made as much sense as it deeply means for me. Okay, one more week!
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| Okay, I know I should be doing other things, but I love compiling lists such as these every once in awhile. So here goes, my list of things I wish/plan to do in the near future (obviously after 3 months from now)!
- take a walk through central park
- visit the aquarium (Baltimore would be ideal, but...)
- visit the Christmas tree at Rockefeller (I think I say this EVERY YEAR and never hold true to it, but one of these years, something is going to change - honestly I don't think this is the year though)
- go ice skating
- start visiting the animal shelter again
- find and pick up my pastels and sketchbook!
- visit this Serendipity in NY (similar to my tree adventure, I've dreamed about going since my high school days)
- start preparing my sister's bridal shower?
- apartment hunt.
- finally master the back handspring. THIS IS A SURE GOAL I MUST ACCOMPLISH!
farewell friends!
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| The way the Lord has orchestrated the past couple months of my life is nothing short of a beautiful symphony. I always say that I'm in awe of Him, but, I really really am.
Hmm, where do I even start? Well, I would love to start at the beginning but then this will be the longest thing ever written in the history of words, so I'll keep this short and to the point. In just about two weeks I'm leaving for IHOP (www.ihop.org)! I don't know how to deal with the excitement and nerves because I have never stayed outside of NJ for longer than a week except for family vacays to Korea. To spend three months in Missouri is a concept I haven't fully grasped yet! I'll be back right before Christmas (and of course, right before winter retreat 2009).
As I explained to my beautiful students yesterday, I'm not leaving to take a vacation or to run away from school or ministry. In fact, serving them has been such a delight and blessing and God has even healed shadowy corners of my heart through them. But I've reached a point where my devotion to God was almost entirely about serving Him. I was running without pausing constantly asking and screaming up at Him, "are You happy now? does this please You?". I was constantly wondering and questioning and desiring to know if what I was doing was enough and I would ask Him that every day, almost every hour. How would I even hear His answer if I was so busy doing all the talking and asking? I felt what I was doing was never enough and so I added on more responsibilities where ever and whenever I could. I would feel exhausted and then I'd feel so shameful for being tired because for what He has done, how could I dare feel any exhaustion? Jesus gave me His life and I can't give Him a night without sleep? But the Lord doesn't love or desire me because of my works. Goodness knows He doesn't need it! In fact, I think Him using me is more of a risk than an asset! So to hear Him (and He used many brothers and sisters around me to help me clear my ears) say that He doesn't want my works, but just ME(!!!) I realized I had to do what would be the most difficult for me: not work, not add on more tasks, not worry. It would mean knowing what is better - to lay at the feet of Jesus and just love and be loved by Him. Luke 10:38-42... that passage... I cannot use written word to explain what that passage means to me.
As for my Wavers. I am so blown away, amazed, and blessed by this bunch that I continue to abuse week after week. :) Many know I am not an affectionate or affirming person and I often show tough love to them over... what, soft love? haha. I show love through discipline, lecturing, and as experience has shown, by making some of them cry. And yet for them to encourage me, laugh with me, text me with "i love you"s throughout the week... yes, God has used them to bless my own heart in ways that I hope one day I can express to them. I hate canceling a Saturday bible study because that would mean seeing them only once that week rather than twice. Three months without my wavers will be tough, but desperately needed. I've come to realize this is probably more difficult for me than all of them combined, hahaha, but they are a beautiful group and I just ask for anyone reading this to lift them up in your prayers. I have felt since the start of all this that God was to quake our ministry and our lives soon and move mountains and I feel that this is it. I'm so excited for them to have this vacation from me because I cannot wait to come back and see the leaders and warriors He is really raising from our ministry.
There's still so much more to say about all this - the words spoken, the prayers cried, the doors He opened (the way He opened doors for me to go is a whole separate testimony and it's mind blowing what He did!) but it's just the beginning. I remember Leslie asking me a few months ago, "If God called you to pack up your stuff and go somewhere far, just leave, what would you do?" and I'm so excited that I have this opportunity to actually say that I would follow.
Please pray for my beautiful eggs (I'm tagging them on fb so you can pray for them if possible) and for me that God ministers deep into my heart during this time. 3 months, just me and my Dad. <3 He has always been there for me, as He has shown me through His beautiful ways, and now I just want to be there with Him.
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